by Socrates

If I have an edge when it comes to women, it’s only because I know I’m usually wrong.

A lot of guys have a phobia about being wrong. A lot of guys avoid admitting they are wrong, no matter how blatant the evidence is. I don’t really know why that is. It could be that guys feel lower status if they admit that they’re wrong, or maybe it’s something seated deep down in our psyche that that equates being wrong with a devaluation of who we are. Whatever it is, guys who can’t admit that they’re wrong find it very difficult to improve their skills with women.

How Not To Be

Sometimes it also costs them big. One of my friends was involved in a sticky situation a couple of months back. He had been living in New Zealand and had been dating one of the locals. They were on a break when he came back to Canada for a few months. Both of them knew that he would be returning to New Zealand again, and they would continue seeing each other when he returned. Back in Canada, though, he ended up having a fling with one of his chick friends. When the time came to move back to New Zealand to finish his studies, he was torn. On one hand, he had a girl in Canada who he really liked, but on the other hand, there was a girl in New Zealand that he really missed. Oddly, though, he wasn’t sure which one of the girls he wanted a future with, so was torn between how to progress the relationship back in New Zealand. He felt bad about having the fling with his Canadian lady-friend, even though he was on an official break with his New Zealand girl. He wanted to be up front about what was going on in his love life.

Of course, I didn’t see this as a very good idea. Since they had been on a break, he really had done nothing wrong. By telling her all about it he would just introduce negative feelings into the relationship, and risked losing her if she had a bad reaction to the news. Of course, I’m not sure which girl wouldn’t have a bad reaction to hearing something like that, no matter how open the relationship. Since he didn’t know which relationship to pursue, I advised him to be cautious and wait to see how things went with his New Zealand girl. In the mean time, I told him to shut his mouth about the girl he started seeing in Canada.

Well, a week later he was on the phone with me in tears, crying about how she didn’t want to see him anymore. He didn’t like the advice I had given him, and decided to take a more open and upfront route. He thought she would appreciate his honesty about what had happened in Canada. Apparently she didn’t. It took almost another 6 months and a few conversations with other women to change his mind about what he should have done.

Another one of my friends refused to see Asian women differently from western women. Instead of giving the girl he was with plenty of qualification and spending a lot of time comfort building, he was busy giving her a roller-coaster of emotion, by playing aloof, flirting with other girls a bit, showing her some affection in one instance, then ignoring her in the next. He had the assumption that this would increase how attracted she was to him. While his method might work in the West, I suggested, Asian women don’t really respond the same way. I told him that he should plot a different course, and start showing her more attachment, and more desire to be close to her. I mentioned that it might be good to try showing a little neediness to make her feel she had dug her emotional hooks into him. He shut me down in mid-conversation, certain that he knew everything their was to know about women, only to be sobbing into his pillow a week later.

Your Beliefs Limit Your Outcomes

A lot of guys come into dating with a mountain of pre-conceived notions about how things work. A lot of guys feel that they understand what to do when it comes to relationship management, and completely reject advice to the contrary. A lot of guys have a world view built out of concrete and steel rebar that will withstand even the most powerful argument. Sometimes it even withstands a seismic shift in the ground beneath them. No matter how much evidence piles up, they refuse to change.

In the business, we call beliefs like these limiting beliefs – they limit your ability to achieve higher, or better, outcomes. They hold you back from success, and removing them can be a really thorny activity. When it comes to dating, though, being able to identify those beliefs are even more important than learning what lines to use because the beliefs you have about interactions with women will govern what actions you take. Those beliefs will determine how far you push an interaction, how far you progress the physical element to interacting with a woman you have just met, or even if you approach one at all.

I Know I Know Not

My advantage when it comes to learning how to be skilled with women really comes down to being able to admit when I’m wrong. Maybe it’s the background in Philosophy that’s done it – a discipline where few people are ever right about anything – or my study of applied psychology both in in out of university. Whatever it is, I approach being right or wrong differently. To me, seeing contrary evidence is great because it gives me a chance to refine my world view, and become even more successful in the relationships that I have. Learning from, or having my assumptions challenged, by create arguments from guys who are better than I am is key in learning the trade, and only increases my ability to meet new women. To me, being wrong and failing is a necessary part of learning and developing core skills.

Over the years, I’ve been wrong a lot. When I first started out I had some beliefs that just weren’t optimal for meeting women and having successful relationships with them. I used to think, for instance, that if I went up and talked to a woman she would reject me or humiliate me. You can imagine how motivating that belief was. After years of approaching women, I’ve found that the situation I was so afraid of rarely materialized. In fact, I can’t think of one instance in two years where a woman has been at all hostile towards me. I’ve shed a lot of other silly beliefs along the way, as well, and every time I’m better for it.

It All Boils Down To This

Becoming successful with women is a fairly straight forward process. To truly develop, though, take the time to identify and then challenge your own limiting beliefs about dating and women. If you really want to develop your social skills in the realm of love, shedding limiting beliefs will not just help you – it’s a requirement.

Now just for kicks, here’s me before I started shedding my own limiting beliefs. Enjoy: